there are things in a girls life that compromise her spirituality.  One of which is friendship with the opposite sex.  I don’t know if he’s doing this as  a means of hurting me.   I’m not sure but the joke about sleeping with the girl next door was a little below the belt.  It makes me wonder what I’ve done to deserve this.  Am I really such a bad person that a little consideration for my feelings is too hard to fathom?  How does asking for that compromise change you as a person.  I don’t understand Him.  I really don’t.

i am a lover … no, loser. and to compensate. I overindulge in being an asshole.  I am loser remixed.  I’ve actually perfected the art of assholism. I push and I push until you’re dangerously teetering on edge. then I pull you back and push you right over the edge again.  That’s me.  The diva.  The unassuming diva.  don’t be petulant just accept the reality of it and carry on with your day.  I’ll just invest in a cat or multiple cats.   vibrators never did the trick

Maybe I'm giving him a lot more credit than he deserves.  I do believe that he has been a blessing to me.   But I've in a sense created a monster.  I’ve given him more control over my life than was necessary.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says

¹² Though one may be overpowered,
   two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

the cord of three strands being the metaphor for the man, the woman, and God.   At the center of it all we must all keep our focus on God and yet as humans, so many of us tend to lose sight of that when we get involved in a relationship.  The focus is shifted from God to our significant other.  Now I’m not saying that I believe one should forsake loving your husband or your wife.  But your husband/wife should not have the kind of control over you that our Father in heaven does.   It would be considered a form of idolatry to center your very existence on one person.

I feel that I've been doing exactly that.    I feel like I'm trying to make something work that isn’t supposed to work.  so now I'm left in a state of confusion. is it in God’s plan for me to be with this man?   I’m that missing rib.  But I don’t think he’s in need of a missing rib.   God help me to see this situation for what it really is.  not thru my eyes or anyone else’s but thru your eyes.   Help me to make the right decisions so that I may overcome these hurdles.   Maybe he’ll come around and maybe he won’t.  Maybe he’s not at that place in his life.   But please allow me to open my eyes.

I was seven.  don’t get me to lying.  Seven just seems like the perfect age for life to begin.   I was the runt of the family.  They used to call me Olive Oyl in jest.  If you are my age now, then you knew who Olive Oyl was back then.  Not that it matters now but it mattered then.  I was a scrawny tomboy who hung on to my brothers’  every word and wanted to be like them.   No one could tell me I was supposed to grow up and be  a “lady”;   That I was supposed to grow up, find a man, get married and have  as Jamaicans would call it “ a whole ‘eap a pickney” .  At seven,  I didn’t know how my life would turn out.   All I knew was I wanted to grow up, make lots of money and hire servants.    It didn’t really matter how I would achieve that unrealistic goal.  It just mattered that I would.  My mom raised four of us I’d say, literally by herself.  She worked nights at this well known nightclub in New Kingston and she brought in a small paycheck but managed to make ends meet in times when dollars barely waved at each other.   She was like Jesus feeding the multitudes with only five loaves and two fish.   She kept us fed, kept us clothed and kept us in school. My pop wasn’t so much a fair-weather father.  But it definitely seemed as if he only came around when it suited his needs. It seemed like we were on the best of terms when he wanted to know about Mom’s love life.  Not that it was any of his business.  They’d broken up a long time ago.  I remember the day because it was the first time I’d ever seen mom cry.   He pulls up in this car  walks in no doubt on top of his game and on top of the world. Now i didn’t get the entire report but end of game dad tells mom it’s over and he’s getting married.  Cold piece of work he was.   He hops in that little car of his and speeds off like it was the most natural thing in the world to rip a woman's heart out of her chest and stomp all over it.  Can you tell I”m bitter?   That was my first bittersweet taste of Man.   My Dad the Shining Beacon and example in my life. Tearing my Mother’s heart to shreds Like she just didn’t matter.  And all for what?  this High falutin  straight-backed hussy named Joan.   I suppose Joan had better breeding than my dear old mother who grew up in the backwoods and played surrogate mom to 5 younger siblings.   My dad never knew what hardship was. Gramps worked hard to make sure of that.  Not that I knock em.  But Dad  has always tried to live his life like the noble aristocrat.  So maybe my Mom just wasn’t well-bred enough for him.

To Be Continued…..

It was one of those dreary days.  Not real wintry, just the kind of day that was best spent indoors sipping coffee or a latte.   But not for me.  I had to go against the grain. I was at Barnes and Nobles moaning and groaning on the phone.  Recalling how much I missed Borders Books.  Terique was quite accommodating.  He let me ramble on about how unsatisfied I was with having to shop at B&N when Borders --the love of my life-- had passed away (went out of business).  So  here I was perusing the aisles, looking for books in Fantasy fiction and Fiction; indecisive  about what I wanted to read.   After 4 hours of picking up book after book and putting them back down after seeing the price tag, I finally left with a bargain book and what turned out to be a book I'd already read.  To top it off, the rain was coming down in droves now.  beating against my windshield and the sides of poor little Christine with an unrelenting passion.   Still, it wasn’t so bad.  It was still one of those childhood rainy days where the rain came down so hard  you could see the fog building around the tires of the cars on the Highway.  So I went to TwoBoots nostalgic for some chicken gumbo.   Sat in the car and ate/drank that gumbo like it was my last meal.   There’s something terribly comforting about hot gumbo on a cold rainy day,  It seems to lift the spirits.  Now Here I am contemplating my next move. trying to determine how best to complete this uneventful day.  It’s always been my belief that ones days should be productive and despite the fact I spent 4 hours roaming the aisles of Barnes and Nobles it still feels like a productive day.  Maybe because of the conversational content.   I’ve never talked for hours on end about my varying tastes in literature with anyone.  Well anyone of color.   Terrible as it may seem, I always believed that Black Folks did not like reading.  Yes I realize I’m the odd man out but then again, that’s the story of my life isn’t it?   I should be outside someone's liquor store somewhere, that’s what I really should be doing.   But in true Meshia fashion, I had to be different.  I had to think geek.   So now really my contemplation focuses on which book to read next:

  Every time I say, “i love football” , i get “name 3 offensive linemen on this team”.  why do I need to know stats  and names socials and date of births?  Why can’t I just like the game?  Have you ever asked me why I like the game? Or do you assume I say I like it so I can have something to talk about   Yes I’m a pats fan but it’s not for the ride on the bandwagon.  I started watching football (or shall we say learning about football) in an era where teams played with heart. I liked other teams too. I liked the Steelers, the Colts the Ravens the Falcons and the Panthers.   Still like those teams. not coz i enjoy riding the bandwagon. I like an exciting game. I like to see both teams sweat it out and tough it out.   I like seeing hard work pay off.  And even if they don’t win, I know I'm guaranteed a good heartfelt knock down drag em out game.    Why do you like the game?   I like football because it’s not a “one-man” sport.  It’s a cohesive unit working hard to achieve a goal.  Not coz it’s a paycheck but it’s what they love and they excel at it.   So how does that make me a fake sport fan?  Because I don’t know how many touchdowns Donovan Mcnab scored in his first NFL game doesn’t make me any less a fan that you or anyone else.  Why I love it?  Because it’s the only sport where on any given Sunday you can see a wide receiver run 7 yards down the middle breaking 11 tackles just to make it to that end zone.   Or you can see Marvin Harrison trip. ball in hand get up evade 7 or 8 broncos n run 20 yards for a touchdown Now tell me that’s not symmetry and that’s not poetry in motion!! Not just coz of talent but just God Given heart.  It just represents the kind of “heart” we should apply in our own lives.   Now tell me why wouldn’t I like football?

how can one person have so much control over your emotions.   I talked to T last night about my bro’s relationship with his wife.  Not realizing that I’m in the same boat as dear ole bro.   there is absolutely no reason why I should be content to stay with this dude for life.  In my heart of hearts I want that fairytale life… Maybe not so much the wedding…. but the Picket fence, The 2 kids and the never absent husband.   The normal family dinners where both parents ask their kids how was school and the kids regale them with playground stories.   But I chose to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want that.  I literally cannot help who I love.  I’ve loved him 10 yrs strong. Here or not, I can’t seem to get him out of my heart.  It’s like scrubbing greasy pots and pans till your fingers bleed.  I love him, but i know he doesn’t want what I want and my punishment is that I’ll never love anyone the way i love him again.   won’t even get close.    Did I do something wrong in a former life? Each day I spend with him takes me 2 steps backward.  he’s a hard person to love and then maybe he’s not.  Those women sure love him.   They really just dig the honesty.  But honesty ain’t everything is it?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - ComingSoon.net Movie Database

This puts an almost comedic spin on having your heart ripped from your chest.    I caught myself watching this last night and kind of laughing at the similarities between this movie and my life.   I’m an underdog so I’m always the sucker for underdog movies like this one.   I think the most memorable scene is at the end when he tries to fuck her but just can’t get it up.    It’s like she sucked the life out of him.    It’s so funny because sometimes I feel that way about “her”  (the current who was once the former).   There’s just nothing there.   I avoid the sexual flirtation with her and at times it makes me wonder if I'm even still “gay”.  But what he says in the end  is so true:

Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You're the goddamn devil!

Shyt maybe she is the damn devil.   Maybe my lackluster libido is a direct result of the she-devil castrating me (so to speak).    Yeah i know a female is not supposed to sound like that but honestly sometimes I can understand what males go thru.   More often than not that happens when I’m dating femmes.   She does her dirt then expects to walk back into your life like everything’s okay.   But to be honest, nothing’s okay because I can’t feel a damn thing anymore.   My words are empty and hers? well they’re just meaningless.  

As I'm reading this weeks edition of 1x6, it occurs to me that I’ll never really understand why some people opt to change genders.   I’ve been hearing the “I feel like a man on the inside” story for years.   But having encountered various transgendered individuals on the ball scene, I’m finding that underlying motives for gender change vary staunchly from the typical   reasoning.   More often than not, I've come across individuals who once identified as female who now identify as male and all this comes as a result of wanting to win certain transgendered categories in the scene.   I’m not exactly sure I can be an advocate of altering ones body for a cash prize or trophy.  Yet I find that it’s a disturbing trend developing here on the east coast.   So no I'm not necessarily biased against people with gender disorder.  However, I am biased against individuals who make a mockery of it just to win cash.   

Lately I've been worried about my own spiritual wellbeing.  Everyday feels more and more robotic.  I go to work.  I work for 12 hours (even though I shouldn’t).   I come home.  I hop online, read a few blogs, comment if i have the energy and then go to sleep.   I work so much now that I use the entire weekend to sleep.   My days are no longer the typical 9 to 5 that most have come to enjoy.  They’re more like 9 to 9 or 9 to 10.  Sometimes I work on weekends too.   With work playing such a major role in my life, I haven’t really had time to focus on God or going to church or anything else for that matter.   I used to enjoy the company of a good book from time to time.  I used to dabble in my Photoshop.  I used to take the Nikon out and catch the sights.   Now all I do is work.  I dream of it, have nightmares about it, then I wake up and go to it.  Friendships don’t even really fit into the equation as I've been disappointed way too many times to count.  And also probably because I've been on the giving end of the disappointment.  

I must confess; I don’t prioritize well.  Which is why it becomes such a pain in the ass to maintain girlfriends.  Especially femme girlfriends..   It’s like having goldfish.  They want too much fucking attention.  And if they’re Virgos, they’re absolutely over the top with it.    But even with all my complaints I guess I can appreciate what I have with Aquafina for the moment.   She hasn’t been overtly demanding of my time and attention.   I know I haven’t been spending that much time with her as I’d like to because of my obsession with this dead end job.  But she seems to get me.   It’s not like it was before.   She’s a little different now.  A little less cold-hearted a little more understanding.  She’s been asking me to come back down there and  it’s been on my mind.   The last time I went out there I just felt like I was in another world outside my own and it was actually a good feeling.  So maybe another trip to TX is what the doctor ordered.

I haven’t really had a moment to myself this past week.  I’ve mainly been stressing out about work and all the bullshit that comes with it.  But for the first time in a long time I found myself thinking clearly yesterday.  It’s been kind of hard learning all the aspects of data recovery in the lab.   But I find that once I approach things with a clear head I’m usually able to figure it out.   So yesterday was a great day at work despite my boss bitching about recoveries and despite the fact I damn near tore my thumbnail off.   Lately I’ve only been talking to Aquafina and it seems like she’s changed for the better.  I guess I’ll continue this friendship and see where the day takes me.   She seems a lot more humbled than she used to be.  But you know how that goes.   You always put your good foot first.   I’m a little psyched for my drive to Georgia for the Easter weekend coming up.   We’re supposed to take turns driving out there.  It’s going to be my brother, my mom, myself and my nephew making the trip.   We’re all going to see my cousin and aunt.  I haven’t even started packing.    But I’ll get that done this weekend. Some shopping may be in order.  

I think i'm turning out to be a little too nice lately.

I guess I should talk about the belleza ball we attended June 1st eH. We drove 10 hours to get to richmond va.

Got there with maybe an hour to spare b4 we had to head back out of our hotel room to the venue, Pinch's Hall. The other house mother paid 35 bux to reserve a table for us at this so-called ball and we each paid 20 dollars at the door. Only to find that what they called refreshments was potato chips and hawaiian punch. Lmaos 35 bux per table and 20 bux per person for fuckin chips (no dip) and Fruit punch??? Come Come Now!!!!oh and lets not even talk about how lost we got on the way to the ball that's another pandora's box i'd have to open. Les jus say that on June 1st I was not tickled.

I just thought i'd show a lil montage I made of my trip to Jamaican altho it was back in May. But It was one of those Mandatory Trips because my gramps kicked the bucket. Love you gramps i hope heaven is everything they say it is. I guess I just made the video to remind me of the good things in life and just how much i need to celebrate it and not take it for granted. but it goes a lil somethin like this[Error: unknown template 'video'] I took pictures of billboards n shyt coz well there's so much irony in the slogans